apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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