I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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