i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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