You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
