i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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