I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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