Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
