I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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