Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
