So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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