dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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