We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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