Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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