please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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