Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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