my vag is so smooth its legendary
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
