You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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