I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
