my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
