i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
