Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
