When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
