Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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