Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
