I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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