Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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