I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
