i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
