Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
