it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
