My liver just broke up with me...
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
