my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
