There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
