She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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