i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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