hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You can't motorboat a personality
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
did you just send me my own nude
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
