i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
