I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
