It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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