I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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