If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
