Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
