I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
