Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
this hospital has no fireball
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
