I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
