someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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