She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
