My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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