he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
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We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
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A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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