big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
