If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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