Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
