we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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