My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
