"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
